April 2010 Meditation
Two Personailities Becoming One
In addition to the generalized differences between men and women, we all have our own individual personalities which can run an astonishingly wide gamut and must be considered on an individual basis.
My wife and I are radically different people -- the sort of couple which definitely proves that opposites attract. One of the last places I want to spend my time is at a shopping mall; I usually make about two such forays in a year. When I do get corralled into such an excursion, I generally drag my wife from the front door toward the closest exit with the determination to stop only at the specific spot where the necessary item is displayed -- the classic take-me-to-your-leader syndrome. Careful reconnaissance of the marketplace’s floor plan helps me avoid the mine fields of ladies’ wear, shoes, and purses. However, there is one area that I can never navigate away from -- the restrooms! We always have to stop for at least one obligatory visit to the ladies’ room. Now, I can make a pit stop and almost meet myself still coming in when I am on my way out. Not so with my wife. I sometimes wonder if she has decided to take up residence. When she does finally emerge, she will invariably have a story to tell, “Honey, I met the most interesting lady...” Then she will proceed with the most intimate details of this total stranger’s medical history, a complete narrative of her marriage and family records, and the saga of all her personal problems. It never ceases to amaze me how she can get to know such privileged information out of a trip to the toilet! I often think that I should supplement our income by hiring her out to the FBI or CIA.
Her socializing tendency runs the whole spectrum of our lives. I seem to perpetually find myself waiting at the door rattling the car keys while she finishes an extended phone conversation. Even worse, each October I wind up raking all the leaves single-handedly while anticipating that she may eventually appear with the companion implement in our matching his-and-her rake set! Dream on; it’s not going to happen as long as Ma Bell is connected to our house and Darjeeling continues to produce tea.
I must admit that for the first number of years in our married life, I let these lengthy potty breaks aggravate me and the seemingly endless phone calls agitate me. That was until I realized that it was exactly this difference between us that caused me to be so attracted to her anyway. I realized that it was God’s way of completing what was missing in my own personality.
Jesus taught us that if we knew the truth it would set us free. My personal liberating word of revelation came at an in-service training seminar I attended while serving as a school board member at the Christian school my sons attended. The purpose of the seminar was to explain to the teachers how to relate to children of different personality types and to use these inherent differences in the students to bring them to their fullest potential -- to take the children’s varying qualities which could become stumbling stones and turn them into building blocks. One of the illustrations the instructor used really caught my attention. It was not drawn from the classroom setting at all, but from -- I suspect -- his hiding across the street from my house one Saturday the previous autumn. He described my leaf-raking woes in Technicolor detail! From there, he began to paint the picture of the human race as being divided into four major personality groups. The first, he called “D.” People in this group are characterized by words which begin with the letter “D.” They are -- among other things -- domineering, demanding, and decisive. He labeled the second group “I.” The individuals in this sector of the human race are characterized by words which begin with the letter “I.” The ones which most caught my ear were “interesting” and “interested.” The next quadrant was titled “S” because -- you guessed it -- the words which best define the folks in this group begin with that letter. “Servant” is probably the most definitive of the terms which apply to these folk. He called the final category “C” because it includes the cautious, calculating, concerned, conservative members of the human family.
By now, I’m sure that you are wondering what this has to do with raking leaves. Well, I’m getting there; but first, I must explain just a little more about these various personality types. The “D” personality is a very task-oriented individual. He gains his satisfaction and fulfillment in life from completing tasks and reaching levels of achievement. The same is true of the “C” personality. However there is a major difference between these two groups. Those members of the human family who qualify as “D”s are not only task oriented, they are also outgoing. Conversely, the “C”s among us are more reserved in their relationships while still oriented toward accomplishing the tasks set before them. The combination of character traits in the “D” personality results in a take-charge sort of guy who has no problem rousing others to his cause. The chemistry of the “C” personality is not so much to inspire others to get the task done as it is to calculate and plan how to accomplish the project most efficiently and effectively.
Just as the “D”s and “C”s are both task oriented, the “I”s and “S”s share the common trait of being people oriented. This means that they are not so ultimately concerned over their achievements as they are the relationships they build along the way. These two groups are differentiated just as the “D”s and “C”s were divided -- along the line of being outgoing or reserved. The outgoing “I” becomes a party waiting to happen. Because he is both so people-oriented and outgoing, he will likely never meet a stranger. This combination of characteristics makes the “I” personality interested in others. Since all of us humans have at least a measure of self-centeredness and are attracted to people who show interest in us, we find “I”s interesting to us -- basically because they first sow the seed of being interested in us. Because of his reserved nature, the “S” personality expresses his interest in others in a much different way. Rather than wanting to start a party, he is more oriented to trying to help and bless others in a quiet, behind-the-scenes way; hence, he becomes a server.
No, I haven’t forgotten the leaves. The story has to do with a man who is raking leaves on an October Saturday. He knows that he has only two or three chances to get the job done because he can only rake on Saturdays since he works Monday through Friday and is involved with church activities on Sundays. He can’t delay the job until November since the leaf-pick up service is discontinued at the end of October; besides, it will likely start to snow by then anyway. Since October can often be rainy, he knows that he can’t waste this sunny Saturday, ideal for getting his job done. I hope that you are learning more about the raker than you are about the leaves at this point. This man is a classic “C” personality -- he is oriented toward getting the job done and has calculated all the factors which determine the necessity for him to stay on the task and get it done today. Oh, there is one other element which he has factored into the calculation: there is no way he can do the job single-handedly before the sun sets; therefore, he is expecting his wife to come help. After all, it is her house and yard as much as it is his.
The wife, on the other hand, is busy inside the house. No, she’s not frantically trying to meet some pressing deadline; she’s sipping tea and talking on the phone. Oh, it’s just a quick conversation -- not more than an hour and a half. Of course, she has had to put her friend on hold three times while she took other calls on the call waiting function of her phone. Plus there were a couple of calls she had to return after she did get off the phone because she had let them go on the voice mail rather than interrupting her conversation any more times. Somehow, the leaves in the yard are a world away from the immediate need of reaching out and touching someone. She is totally oblivious to the ominous deadline of the last leaf pickup, the potential rains, and the threatening sunset. She is a textbook case of the “I” personality -- “What task? I have people to relate to!”
The problem is that her “C” husband is beginning to be less and less sanctified in his feelings toward her each time he catches a glimpse of her still at the kitchen counter as he hauls another thirty-gallon bag of leaves to the curbside. Wondering if she will have to have the receiver surgically removed from her ear, he angrily scolds her when she finally shows up with her work gloves ready to help. The “I” personality wife doesn’t have the slightest clue as to why he is not elated to see her and why he is fuming rather than rejoicing now that she is here.
The thing that caught my attention about this little story is that I could relate because I had lived out that episode each fall since the day I said “I do.” I am as much a “C” as any person could ever hope to be, and my wife is as “I” as they come. What’s even worse is that we for the first quarter century of our marriage lived in very wooded areas with more leaves than should be allowed by the Constitution.
As soon as I heard this story, the “Ford better idea light bulb” came on and I realized that my wife wasn’t talking on the phone to avoid helping me or as a way of irritating me. Those lengthy phone conversations were simply an expression of her personality -- the personality, by the way, which attracted me to her. I realized that -- as much as I hated it on those October Saturdays -- I had to embrace that “I” personality because that truly is what I love about her. So, being a “C,” I set out to develop a plan to efficiently and effectively get her to help me with the leaves. Of course, since she is an “I,” she didn’t immediately take to my scheme; however, she soon realized that I was just being the “C” that she married because that’s what she loved about me. After that, we lived happily ever after -- well, at least on most October weekends.
Our marriage rose to a whole new level of satisfaction and fulfillment because we decided to celebrate the differences rather than curse the fact that we are not alike. For example, I realized that I am a doer while my wife is a giver. By that I mean that I show my love for others by doing something for them, like starting a load of laundry before my wife gets up in the morning. My wife, the giver, shows her love by buying gifts. In my way of thinking, although the gifts cost money, they do not show the personal input of actually getting involved in a project. It was a revelation to me that my wife could still love me even if she didn’t rake as many leaves as I do!
Pardon me if this next statement may seem a little crude, but this is a book about marriage -- so you shouldn’t be too shocked. We decided to celebrate all our differences, just like we celebrate the differences in our physical anatomies as part of our sexual relationships. In the same way that I would not know how to make love to another man because he is built the same way I am and in the same way that I can’t imagine two women finding satisfaction because both are lacking one certain necessary element, I can’t fathom finding emotional fulfillment with anyone other than the opposite person I chose to marry.
Well, it’s time for a couple more stories to illustrate the point. My wife is as far from the organized methodical “C” that I am as the East is from the West. I almost go into a panic attack just walking past her desk; it is heaped with piles of what I am sure is very important information in a chaotic facsimile of Hiroshima the day after the Enolo Gay’s visit. Her desk, by the way, is a roll-top that I bought specifically for the purpose of being able to pull the cover over the mess. Well, the stack is so high that the top won’t even think of closing. Even though I’ve bought her an address-and-phone-number organizer, she still prefers the little-scraps-of-paper-filing system. She is the type of person who, if she ever “got it all together,” would misplace the whole thing. When I came home from work one day, she greeted me at the door with the most exuberant announcement, “I’ve had the most wonderful day! The phone didn’t ring and I didn’t have any errands to run, so I stayed home and organized my desk!” You can’t imagine how elated I was, thinking that she had finally caught on! When she proudly pointed me toward her desk, I was shocked to find two huge stacks of papers. She explained, “This is my to-do pile, and this is my I-don’t-know-what-to-do pile.” As frustrating as this chaos can be, it is exactly this mystery and intrigue which fascinates me with her.
Now for story number two. In my work as the dean of the college, I hired a new librarian who was the perfect textbook model of a librarian -- Buster Brown shoes and all. In short, she was a classic “C.” As I was telling my wife about what a great job she was doing getting everything organized, she must have had a flashback about my reactions to her desk. Out of her mouth erupted the words, “Well, why don’t you go live with her.” I was shocked that she was so sensitive and had taken the matter personally. Even more so, I was repulsed by even the notion of living with a librarian. As much as I enjoyed working with her in a professional setting, I couldn’t even imagine socially, emotionally, or sexually bonding with her. There was not enough difference to make her attractive to me.
Even though I find my wife’s disorganization frustrating -- even infuriating, at times -- I have learned to enjoy the variety it adds to my life. If both of us were “C”s, everything would always be in its proper place, we would always be on time (actually, early) for every appointment, and we would always have a perfectly balanced budget. No matter how reassuring that would be, it wouldn’t take long for life to get extremely predictable and boring. As it is now, she adds just enough “disheveledness” to our lives to make each day an adventure and give us a reason to celebrate it!
Our secret to fulfillment in our relationship is to recognize the differences and to then understand those differences. I no longer think that she talks on the phone to avoid helping me with the leaves. Now I understand that she can’t help herself from becoming drawn deeply into these personal interactions. It is her makeup. She no longer thinks that I am an overbearing slave driver when I insist that next Saturday is not an option; we have to get all the leaves done today. She no longer pouts because I refuse to go to the mall with her, and I no longer fume when I have to wait for her outside the ladies’ room door when I do oblige her on a shopping trip. Because we have come to understand that these characteristics are what make us the people we are, we have come to accept these differences. Beyond acceptance, we have come to celebrate them. As I’ve already mentioned, we have come to realize that these differences are what made us the persons who were attracted to each other in the first place. Now, when she finally emerges from the restroom, I’m waiting eagerly for some interesting story about the mystery lady she met inside. Now my wife asks me what we need to do each weekend, anticipating that we will certainly miss out on something important if we don’t set our game plan.
We have come to realize that, just like those magnets in our elementary school science lab, there can be a powerfully strong bonding when two opposites get together. Quite often, she will whisper to me, “I’m glad I’m married to you,” after we have accomplished a complicated task. She recognizes that without the input of a “C,” she would never have navigated through the challenge. When I have to meet new people, I always feel more confident if I am able to take her with me because I know that I need her “I” personality to break the ice. Our marriage is successful because we realize and appreciate the fact that we are not only different, we are opposite; and not only opposite, we are the fulfillment of what is lacking in the other. She compensates for what I lack in social extrovertedness, and I bring to the marriage the organization she lacks.
After a seminar in one of the suburbs of Detroit in which my wife and I taught on understanding your mate using these personality tools, a gentleman came up to introduce himself. He explained that he was the human resources director of one of the nation’s largest automobile manufacturers and that he was responsible for hiring, managing, and firing thousands of employees. He went on to explain that he had been professionally trained in this technique of personality assessment and used it everyday to help position the company’s employees into the best roles within the organization. However, it was his next sentence that really “floored” me, “I have never heard this material explained in such a way as to be a blessing to people.” In other words, he had always used this approach so that he could get the most out of people rather than to be able to put the most into them! The whole purpose for understanding the various personalities which make up our families is so that we can use this insight as a tool to build, not as a weapon to attack. If you have any swords that could be used against your mate, use these lessons as an opportunity to beat them into plowshares which can be used to cultivate a more loving and understanding relationship. (Isaiah 2:4, Micah 4:3) Remember that we can apply what Paul directed us concerning relationships within the Body of Christ to the relationships within our families since he also parallels the home and the church. In I Corinthians chapter twelve, he admonished us to give more honor to the less honorable members so that the end result would be that no one has any lack. If we use these tools properly, we can do just that in our homes. Unfortunately, many couples are not able to see the value in their differences. Rather than learning to use their differences as tools to build their marriage, these couples actually turn their God-given differences into weapons to fight each other and destroy their relationship and marriage.
A little cartoon depicted a husband and wife as they compared the results of their personality analyses.
She: Okay, I finished my personality questionnaire. Did you finish yours?
He: Yep.
She: Let’s hear it.
He: Well, according to this, I’m passive and disorganized, and I avoid conflict at all costs.
She: Hmm. Big surprise there.
He: I guess we already knew that.
She: Turns out that I’m a strong-minded, perfectionist control freak who thrives on conflict.
He: Go figure.
She: So, it‘s true that opposites do attract. That‘s probably a good thing. I wouldn‘t want to be married to somebody like me.
He: Me neither!
“Irreconcilable differences” has become the major cause of divorce in our country. A more honest evaluation would probably be “irreconciled differences.” It is far better to look at life as did Billy and Ruth Graham who considered themselves to be “happily incompatible” in their differences. Dr. Lester Sumrall once said that he and his wife never had a fight because it takes two to fight, and one of them (Mrs. Sumrall) always refused to take part, somewhat echoing the advice of secular comedian Jay Leno who once said that the key to a long and healthy marriage is to remember that there isn’t anything worth fighting over.
The situation that damages marriages isn’t that the differences cannot be reconciled; it is simply that they have not been! The Bible says that each Christian has a ministry of reconciliation, and I’d like to add that the first and foremost avenue in which we function in that ministry is inside our own families, where the divine influence will help us to reconcile, or re-establish, wounded or strained relationships until we can enjoy our marriages -- not just as legal partnerships -- but as genuine friendships. After all, marriage is not a business deal or an employment agreement; therefore, since you didn’t hire your wife, you don’t have the right to fire her. But you must be honest enough to admit that there will be issues -- differences of opinion about almost every area of life: vacation, in-laws, and especially the big four sources of incompatibility: communication, money, sex, and children. Someone once said that marriage is like a five-thousand-piece jigsaw puzzle -- all sky. If this summation is anywhere near the truth, it is obvious that we will have to do some real work to get the pieces to fit together. In the process, it is inevitable that the Martian will not always have the same idea as the lady from Venus when it comes to the solution. Therefore, it is imperative to remember that it takes two to make a successful marriage: one to be right, and one to be the husband, an idea that leads to the question, “If a man says something and his wife doesn’t hear him, is he still wrong?” It has been said that most families live in two-story homes -- her story and his! It has also been said that the best way for a couple to come into agreement is to decide that the husband doesn’t try to run her life and that he doesn’t try to run his own life either.
Seriously, either or both partners may be right, wrong, or incomplete in their understanding of the issue; therefore, we need to know some basic principles in how to have a fair and meaningful discussion of the issues. First, pick the right time of day for the discussion, avoiding times when either of the partners is tired or stressed. Next, set a time limit for the conversation, determining that the issue will not turn into a drawn-out conflict. Determine to stick to the subject, making sure that only one issue at a time is on the table and that no issue becomes a cover-up cloaking other disagreements. Don’t say “always” or “never.” When we speak with such categorical terms we are attacking personality traits rather than confronting specific points of conflict. Listen carefully and watch body language; after all, you are also hoping that you are being heard -- extend the same courtesy that you are asking for. Don’t bring up the past conflicts; that just proves they have not been resolved, suggesting that this current issue will also be left lurking in the closet even after a supposed solution or agreement has been reached. A prayerful attitude must be an ever-present part of the resolution process, but I’ve listed a formal time of prayer at this point near the end of the list on purpose since it is the crystallizing power that will make the next step possible. Try to reach a constructive conclusion rather than to simply agree to disagree. Once a private resolution has been reached, take it public by determining to never correct your spouse in public and to affirm your spouse in front of others as often as is possible.
The thing that amazes me most about the marriages I have watched end in divorce is that when these divorcees decide to marry again, they generally pick new partners who are almost identical to the ones they just got rid of. I look on perplexed, wondering how they think that they can live with these clones of their first spouses if they found the originals impossible. The answer is that they are still looking for the missing element in their own personalities. They originally found their missing half, their first mates, but they somehow didn’t know how to understand, accept, appreciate, and celebrate these differences as God’s gift. Just as north pole magnets are always drawn to south pole magnets, these individuals were drawn to new partners with very similar qualities as the first ones because they still had the same needs which could only be fulfilled by their opposites. One episode of the TV series Monk featured a man with a mistress who was a double of the wife he had just murdered. Although it may not be so extreme, most people do tend to remarry the same type of person they just divorced because the problem isn’t with the person we are married to; it is with ourselves. We are attracted to what we need. Even if we think that we can’t live with that sort of person, the truth is that we can‘t live without him or her.
Good marriages are the product of Martians who celebrate the fact that God has given them Venuses. North pole magnets who rejoice in the fact that the magnets they are attached to are every bit south poles will find that they become inseparable.
If we read the creation account in the book of Genesis, we can notice the interesting scenario that God ended each day with an evaluation of His work. I imagine that He stepped back into the nothingness of space to take a lingering look at His handiwork. Like a master artist, He tilted His head a bit to the right and then a little to the left to get different vantage points. Checking from every angle, He wanted to make sure if there were any details which needed to be fine tuned. Perhaps He even reached out His hand to tweak this or that, but then pulled it away quickly because He saw that what He had done was good -- actually perfect. (Genesis 1:4, 10, 12, 18, 21, 25) The only exception came on the day He created man. On that day, His evaluation was, “It is not good.” The problem was that man was alone. According to Genesis 2:19, God then created all the animals and brought them before Adam; yet, his lonesomeness was not abated. The monkeys entertained him, the horses gave him transportation, the cows gave him milk for nourishment, the dogs gave him companionship; yet, something was still missing. The biblical summation is that “there was not found an help meet for him.” (verse 20) Even though each of the animals was created to help man in some way, they were not “meet” for Adam. “Meet” is an old English word which means “adequate or sufficient.” In other words, Adam’s lack wasn’t so much that he needed physical help such as nourishment, transportation, companionship, or entertainment. His lack was in the area of needing a partner who was adequate or sufficient to complete what was missing in his own nature. The words which erupted from Adam’s mouth when he was presented with Eve depict this need and its provision; “This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh.” (verse 23) Adam realized that Eve was his very own nature and that she perfectly filled the void in his life symbolized by a missing rib. Once man had woman with him (verse 1:27), God re-evaluated His work of the day and decided that it was “very good” (verse 31). The difference between “not good” to “very good” was the complementary element of the opposite sex.
One really fascinating thought concerning the creation of woman is that although Adam is said to have been alone in the garden, he was not totally by himself. In fact, he was in an uninterrupted fellowship with God which very few humans have ever experienced, yet it was still needful for him to have a wife. In the divine order of things, it is not good to be physically alone even if you have perfect spiritual fellowship.
There is a story as to why God chose the rib as His raw material from which to fashion the woman. Although the little narrative failed to make it into the pages of holy scripture, I’d like to share it with you today. When God saw that man needed a companion to share the Garden of Eden with him, He suggested to Adam that He would like to make a woman for him. Well, Adam was curious as to what exactly a woman would be -- funny thing, many of us are still asking that question today! Then God began to describe what He had in mind: she would always be agreeable with anything Adam suggested; she would cook and clean without ever complaining or asking for his help; she would never have a bad hair day; she would never have mood swings; she would always be beautiful -- even when she first woke up; she wouldn’t spend any money -- instead, she would not only save his money but would work and help him make money; she’d keep the kids clean and see that they are always well-mannered and polite; she would never interrupt him while he was reading the paper or watching TV…and the list went on and on. Finally, Adam was so overwhelmed that he couldn’t stand it any more, and he interrupted with a question: “God, what is that going to cost me?” When the answer came back, “An arm and a leg,” Adam countered with, “Well, what can I get for a rib?”
I heard once that because God chose to make woman from the rib of man rather than from a bone from his head, man will never know what a woman is thinking. On a more serious note, it has been also said that man walks funny when he is missing his rib because she is actually an integral part of his life which is needed for him to be complete. The Jewish rabbis have taught for centuries that there is an explanation as to why God chose the rib when He determined to fashion the female gender. They say that He could have used a bone from the foot, but then man would want the woman to be beneath him. If He had chosen a fragment from the skull, woman would have tried to be over the man. If a bone from the back had been selected, man would have thought that he belonged in front of his companion. Had a portion of the breastbone been employed, woman would not have seen herself as the helper she was intended to be, but as a leader in front of her husband. Instead, a rib was taken so that the woman would fit naturally under her husband’s arm, drawn close to his heart as she stands along side him in life.
The rib comes from under the arm of the man, a place of protection. The first response we have when danger approaches is to throw our arms around those we intend to protect. Since woman came from that place under the arm of her husband, we see a vivid picture that the man is to be a protector of the woman. However, we can see another side of the picture when we think of the role of the rib in the human body. The rib cage is our God-given protection for the internal organs of our chest cavity -- most importantly the heart and the lungs. What a wonderful paradox: the man protects his rib while the rib protects the man’s vital organs. Symbolically one’s heart stands for his emotions while it literally represents his life. In reality, the woman is as much a protector of the man’s emotions and life as the man is her protector. Just as the arm is an outward appendage and the rib is an internal body member, so it is with the protective forces of the man and the woman. He may be the visible defender who goes off to war or stands up in time of danger, but she is that calming and reassuring force which in the privacy of the home protects the man from fear, discouragement, jumping to hasty conclusions, and other emotional pitfalls which could threaten and literally destroy his life. The lungs are the organs which give us wind and energy. If a person is not able to breathe deeply and fill his lungs to maximum capacity, he will not be able to work, run, or exercise at his full potential. The ribs absorb the blows which would literally take “his breath away” or “knock the wind out of his sails.”
The rib is also close to the heart, indicating that it is closely associated with man’s ability to love. Paul really shocked us concerning a husband’s role as a lover when he said that he was expected to love his wife the way Christ loved the church and gave Himself for it. (Ephesians 5:25) That kind of sacrifice is only possible through a mature love which has learned to think selflessly of others. That kind of love comes only for those who are close to the heart.
In addition to all the normal discomforts and threats of infection or disfigurement which accompany any injury, real difficulties can arise from a broken rib which has not been properly cared for. The most serious is, of course, the possibility of a puncture wound to the lung. What was created as a protection for the lung can become a life-threatening enemy. So it was for the first human family -- and so it has been ever since. Eve was wounded by the serpent’s seducing lies, yet Adam failed to care for her and bring her healing and correction. As a result, she became the instrument used to strike the fatal blow by offering him the forbidden fruit. Any wise husband will know that he must act quickly to bring healing and restoration to his God-given rib-woman when she is hurting physically, emotionally, socially, or spiritually. Failing to do so will bring stress upon their marriage relationship and trigger the scenario which will ultimately take the very breath of life out of their home and future. The Apostle Peter reminded us that the husband who fails to give special consideration to his wife as the weaker vessel will soon find that his prayers are powerless -- like a punctured balloon.
One interesting thing about ribs is that -- unlike the bones in our arms, legs, or even neck -- there is no way to set one or put a brace on one if it is bruised, cracked, or fractured. The only way to heal a rib is to bind the whole torso and try to hold the injured rib in place while it goes through a natural healing process. Perhaps this is a little parable in which God is intentionally trying to communicate something to us. When a woman is hurting, she must feel an added expression of security in her relationship with her husband as she has time to work through her difficulties and injuries. Although the husband may be powerless to solve her problems and heal her wounds, the awareness that he is drawing her closer to himself rather than pushing her away during these difficult times is healing in itself.
The last observation I’d like to make about the rib is that it is one of the most ticklish parts of our whole anatomy. Remember how you used to hate it when you were a kid and someone would play the game of counting your ribs -- and how you could not keep from laughing and wiggling no matter how hard you tried! Even as adults, we still use the term “ribbing” to describe the joking and jesting of people who are trying to get the best of us through practical jokes, embarrassing verbal jabs, and playful teasing. I am convinced that the Lord knew what He was doing when He chose that sensitive spot as His quarry for the material for the woman. Just like the rib, she is quick to elicit an emotional response -- sometimes a giggle of embarrassment, sometimes a flinch of pain, sometimes an outburst of joyful laughter, but always an uncontrollable response triggered by something deep inside.
The Bible often likens our spiritual lives to marriage. One of the most definitive passages on this topic is Ephesians chapter five, where Paul speaks of marriage as a mystery revealing Christ and the church. Marriage is the human institution which God has ordained to symbolize His relationship to the church. From the ancient Hebrew prophets to the last writing of the New Testament, including Jesus Himself, the marriage bond has been a constant and consistent symbol of the love between Christ and His church. In the Old Testament, Israel was depicted as the wife of God; in the New Testament, the church is pictured as the bride of Christ. Thus, in his letter to the Ephesians, St. Paul says that his instructions to husbands and wives is based solely on the mysterious union between Christ and the church.
Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord…Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church…This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church. Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband. (verses 5:22, 25, 32, 33)
In this same section, he parallels marriage with our human bodies -- based on God’s own words that a man and woman become one body when they are joined together in marriage. (Genesis 2:24) The completeness found in our spiritual lives as the various individuals in the church and the Spirit of Christ Himself all blend together to become the church is graphically described as the functioning of one complete human body in such passages as I Corinthians chapter twelve. In similar terms the completeness found in marriage is also mirrored in the physically whole human body from Adam’s first exclamation that Eve was his very own flesh and bone (Genesis 2:23) to Paul’s explanation that if a man doesn’t adequately love his wife it is like hating his own body (Ephesians 5:28-29). Since both the church and marriage are depicted with the same symbol, I’d like to take the liberty of using a passage describing the church and apply it to marriage as well.
In Ephesians chapter four, just one chapter before he uses the same terminology to picture marriage, Paul uses the illustration of the physical body to help us understand the nature of the church. Among other points, he communicated to us that the church is in the process of maturing into the full image of Christ (verse 13) and that each individual in the church has something to contribute to help the whole body reach that mature state (verse 16). Applying that idea to marriage, we can readily see that the reason God has instituted marriage and caused opposites to attract one another is so that by getting together in the proper combinations they can produce one complete personality which matures into the image of Christ. Therefore, marriage must be protected not just as an institution, but also as our opportunity to be made into the image of Christ.
I don’t intend to say that single individuals cannot become full models of Christ in the world. We have to look no further than Mother Teresa to see that this is not the case. However, the general biblical principle is that God uses our marriages to bring each of us to the fullest manifestation of His nature. If we grumble and complain about our spouses -- and, worse yet, divorce ourselves from them -- we are derailing God’s plan for maturing us and delaying His timing in our lives.
Let’s think back to the various personality types. Each of them has something of the nature of Christ to contribute to a relationship. Jesus was obviously a “D” personality. He could not have led more than five thousand men and their families into a desert place and kept them there without food for three days unless He was a dynamic leader. He couldn’t have kept His twelve disciples with Him through more than three years’ of wanderings had he not been a dominating person. Nothing short of a dramatic decision maker would charge into the temple, ransacking all the merchants’ stalls. Yet, within hours of His violent purging of the temple, this same Jesus was on His knees before His disciples washing their dusty feet, demonstrating the opposite personality characteristic of an “S” individual. Yet, being an “S” was not a fluke of this particular moment; in fact, Jesus Himself described His whole life as servanthood. (Mark 10:45) Jesus was obviously a calculating “C” personality to be able to answer all the challenges of the religious leaders who tried to trick Him with perplexing questions about taxes, life after death, and divorce; yet, His opposite “I” personality drew total strangers like the woman at the well into deeply personal discussions with Him and gave the multitude on Palm Sunday a reason for a party.
Jesus was the perfect man who demonstrated the best of all the personality groups. Unfortunately, the rest of us find ourselves marooned in one quadrant or another with an occasional glimmer of the traits from one of the other personalities. That is why we should all, like Adam, shout, “Finally, the missing part!” when the Lord sends us the mate who fills in our missing elements. It is God’s plan that as we live and share together, we begin to adapt to some of the better qualities from the other person. Just as in the Body of Christ, each member supplies the missing element which brings the whole to completion.
Marriage is God’s way of bringing out the best in each of the partners; however, the process also brings out the worst in us and we must learn to forgive one another and mature through the process. In the old cowboy movies, the villains often used the phrase, “Them is fightin’ words!” Well, at my home, we used to have some “fightin’ words.” One really powerful one was the word “list.” My wife hated that word with a passion because the “list” was my way of organizing our lives. Since I worked all day and often taught at night and was involved with church responsibilities on Sundays, I knew that I had to make the most of the free time I had on Saturday; therefore, my list! Since, she was a stay-at-home mom, I knew that she had free time during the day which would allow her to get some of our errands done during the week; therefore, her list! Boy, did she ever hate the list! And, man, did I ever hear about it! Being an “I” personality, she refused to become a “slave” to the “list”! However, over the years she eventually began to realize that the list was her key to freedom, not a chain to lock her up. As she decided to try to follow the list, she realized that she was able to get things done in a timely and efficient manner rather than always running around frantically trying to complete tasks at the last minute. Now, I usually find her starting her day with a cup of tea in one hand and her pen in the other -- writing her own list! On the other hand, I have gravitated toward being more of an “I” personality through our relationship. With her help on getting the list done, my life has become more relaxed so that I can -- even if I have to force myself -- chat with more people, even if I still don’t drink much tea.
It is not God’s plan that we set out to change our partners. Remember the “I’ll alter him” syndrome? In reality, it is God’s pattern that we naturally mature into a fuller manifestation of the well-rounded personality of Christ -- and that the help meet He has placed in our lives prods us along the way! In God’s original statement about marriage, He declared that the two would become one. The New Testament completes the picture by adding that each “joint,” or part of the whole supplies its unique contribution to complete the whole. As we adapt to one another and adopt personality traits from one another, we begin to develop the perfected whole which God intends us to mature into.
This article is a taken from Delron's book Your Home Can Survive in the 21st Century. To obtain your copy of the book, please make your donation to Teach All nations at this website today.