June 2010 Meditation
Fathers in a Fatherless World
A few years back, I heard a prison chaplain tell the story about arranging with a national greeting card company to provide free Mother’s Day cards to the inmates. The program was such a success that he decided to repeat it again the following month for Father’s Day. To his amazement, none of the cards were picked up--proof positive that we are living in a fatherless generation! The absence of a father relationship among the inmates is not surprising since sixty-five percent of all criminals are the products of divorced families and it has been estimated that as high as ninety percent of all juvenile crimes are committed by children from broken homes.
As Moses led the people of Israel out of Egyptian bondage, he made one seemingly insignificant mistake--a mistake that, if I were God, I would probably have overlooked. Yet, God didn’t overlook it; in fact, He judged it harshly. All that Moses did was strike a rock when he had been told to speak to it. (Numbers 20:7-12) It would seem that Moses could have been “given some slack” for this; after all, the last time he had confronted a rock he had been commanded to hit it. (Exodus 17:6) But, no, God would not give Moses any grace in this matter; He judged him with the most severe punishment conceivable--God forbade Moses to enter the Promised Land. Eighty years of his life had been invested in trying to get there. He had given up the riches and luxuries afforded to the royal family of the world’s greatest empire for one great dream--the Promised Land, the covenant land of his forefather Abraham. Now, near the end of a laborious pilgrimage wrought with one turmoil after another, the God that Moses had so faithfully served (except for this one seemingly minor infraction) “snatched the rug out from under his feet” and condemned Moses to see, but not touch, the prize he had longed for.
Only in the New Testament do we understand why God was so strict about this action. This rock that Moses struck was symbolic of Jesus. (I Corinthians 10:4) God had placed that rock in the Sinai Desert as a tangible prophecy that Jesus would have to be smitten once for our salvation, but after the crucifixion all God’s blessings would flow through Him at the beckon of a simple prayer! No wonder God had to so severely punish Moses for his impetuous actions. By the same token how sternly must He judge this generation for allowing the destruction of the home, His present-day tangible prophecy!
With the broken home comes another broken symbol of God’s love--the fatherhood symbol. Perhaps this is the most powerful of all the analogies given in the New Testament. Jesus shocked the religious leaders of His time by proclaiming God as his Abba or “Daddy.” (Mark 14:36) The strength of the Lord’s Prayer was the father-son relationship that Jesus taught the church to use in prayer. The key to Jesus’ life and the spiritual life of all who follow Him is the father-son relationship. (Romans 8:15; Galatians 4:6) Yet, multitudes in the world today have no way of knowing how to reach out and receive God’s love because they have been denied an earthly father--either because their mothers were unwed or because divorce has severed the fathers from the homes.
The Bible says very little about Jesus’ childhood; however, one little reference we find tucked away in the book of Luke gives us some real insight into what should be expected in good parenting. “Jesus increased in wisdom and stature, and in favour with God and man.” (Luke 2:52) Although this verse doesn’t even mention the input of His earthly parents, the prior verse states that He was subject to them, suggesting that these developments in his life must have resulted from their influence--not just the mother’s influence, but the combined influence of a mother and father. Notice the four areas of growth mentioned in the verse: physical (He grew in stature), intellectual (He increased in wisdom), social (He grew in favor with men), and spiritual (He grew in favor with God). These four factors are the essential components in developing a well-balanced human personality. For a couple to consider themselves to be successfully parenting the child they have given birth to, they--father and mother--must mentor that child through each of these areas of maturity.
The physical arena is the most obvious and, therefore, the most readily acknowledged area of parenting. The nurturing in the physical realm begins even before the child is born. All during the pregnancy, the mother will develop unusual cravings, her body’s way of telling her that she needs to supplement the baby’s nourishment with some additional elements. Any wise and caring mother-to-be will take extra precaution with her own personal diet and exposure to medications, drugs, alcohol, tobacco, and other chemicals which may prove harmful to the baby she carries in her body. Once that newborn is delivered, the parents take on an active role in providing proper medical attention, well-balanced meals, and adequate opportunity for athletics and other physical exercise. The parents of today’s under-active and over-weight generation need to rethink their biblical responsibility to their children’s health. Although we are no longer under any bondage to the Old Testament dietary laws, it would still be wise for us to ask ourselves if there isn’t a logical purpose for God to go to so much effort to give us such detailed information concerning the foods we ingest. In addition to feeding, exercising, and providing adequate medical attention--the same basic care they would provide for a horse--parents have an additional responsibility of training their children how to take care of their own physical bodies. This responsibility stretches from the basics of personal hygiene and diet to counsel concerning drugs, alcohol, tobacco, and sexual purity. True fathering is not just telling the children what to do and what not to do; it is rather providing a role model they can emulate. Good parenting is all about show-and-tell. Biblically, we are admonished to train up a child in the way he should go, looking for every teachable moment in which we can direct him toward the way he should go and away from the way of life he should avoid.
The intellectual arena of a child’s development is significantly impacted by the father who takes the time to teach his children through reading to them on a regular basis and through just simply answering their questions. Youngsters are filled with a million “why”s and “how”s. The father who encourages that inquisitiveness by answering, explaining, and demonstrating is the father who affirms the value of the child’s quest for knowledge and broadens his horizons. A truly interested father will not only answer the child’s questions, but also look for opportunities to expand the child’s world by showing him the processes of nature around him and giving simple lessons in all of life’s activities from mechanics to finance as the child accompanies him in his day-to day activities. The genuinely concerned father will plan special field trips to help the child expand his area of experiences. Vacations can become learning experiences as well as times of relaxation by including a trip to a museum, joining a naturalist’s walk while in the state or national park, or simply stopping along the side of the road to examine some natural phenomenon.
Biblically, children are considered a blessing, but we can let them become a curse if we do not take proper care for the third arena of their development--their social well-being. Probably the first area of social interaction the child will need to learn is the proper respect for his parents, followed by the proper respect for his peers. Since all humans are born with a basic self-centered worldview (I want to be fed, I want to be held, I want to be changed), the father as well as the mother has a major challenge before him in developing a care-and-share viewpoint in his children. Again, it is the show-and-tell approach which produces true results.
In numerous counseling situations, I have personally heard men say, “Well, I know that this is wrong, but it’s the way I was raised. I saw my dad do this.” Although we can’t excuse the sons’ crimes, we cannot let the fathers go blameless. The book of Proverbs has much to say about raising children. One recurring theme in that book is the concept of the wise son versus the foolish one. (Proverbs 10:2, 13:1, 15:20, 17:25, 19:13) According to verse fifteen of chapter twenty-two of this book, foolishness is the natural state of a child because it is bound to his heart; however, verses fifteen through seventeen of chapter twenty-nine promise, “The rod and reproof give wisdom…Correct thy son, and he shall give thee rest; yea, he shall give delight unto thy soul.” Notice that, although the rod seems to be the focal point when most people quote this section of scripture, it is actually mentioned only once in this passage. The emphasis in this passage is on reproof and correction--two of the attributes of scripture (II Timothy 3:16). This verse does not give parents the right to develop carpotunnel from spanking their kids, but it does give them the responsibility to give their children biblically-based instruction and remind them that, as parents, they have “been there, done that, and bought the T-shirt”; therefore, their advice is to be followed or certain consequences will be incurred.
The fourth area of growth that parents must care for in their children is their spiritual well-being. In the same letter in which Paul instructed Timothy concerning the qualities of the scripture, he acknowledged that the young man had been instructed in the scriptures since his childhood (3:15) and was the heir to a spiritual heritage established by his grandmother and passed on to him through his mother (1:5). Good parenting requires private prayer for your children and devotional time with them; personal Bible study to develop a godly personality and to learn godly principles for instructing your children and devotional Bible study with the children to teach them the value of God’s Word for their lives; and corporate worship in the house of God and in the house which God has given you.
Although King David has always been one of the most loved characters in the Bible and he has taught us many great truths, both from his writings and through his personal example, there is one area where he teaches us a number of lessons the hard way. This area of his life has to do with parenting skills--actually, his lack of them.
The Bible records that David fathered at least nineteen sons and one daughter through his nine legitimate wives. We are left no record of the offspring from his concubines--and--we know that he kept at least ten such mistresses. We know the life stories of six of these progeny--and each story spins a tragic yarn.
Let’s begin by looking at the illegitimate son born from David’s illicit relationship with Bathsheba. From its very first breath, the child was marked for death. The great king fasted and prayed for several days as the baby lingered in the balances between life and death; finally, the death angel snatched the child’s soul away, and David conceded in his battle for his life. This baby’s short lifespan painted the picture which the Apostle James described centuries later: lust conceives sin which ultimately produces death. (James 1:15) David’s lust for Bathsheba produces the sinful acts of adultery, deception, intrigue, and murder with end product as the baby’s death.
The next son we should study would be Amnon who became love sick for his half-sister Tamar. When David visited his son after having heard of his illness, Amnon asked that Tamar be sent to his apartment to serve him dinner in bed. The Bible records a horrid story of how he was feigning sickness as part of a plot to get more than dinner in bed from his unsuspecting sister. Each time I read this story, I think of a magazine ad which shows a pre-teen lad with a rather challenging look on his face and the wording:
LEAVE ME (Okay, it may seem like I hate my parents, but I’m really demonstrating what a therapist would call “asserting my identity,” so I can grow up to be a well-adjusted individual. Sure, I say I want freedom, but without parental supervision, I’m much more likely to smoke pot and stuff. I hope my parents don’t try to act like my friends. What I really need is parents.) ALONE.
The message it intends to communicate is that parents need to learn to read between the lines of what their children are saying. David failed to do this. He heard what the young man said with his lips, but he failed to hear what he was saying with his emotions. It would seem that only the dullest man would not discern that something much more involved than a simple plate of food must have been on the son’s mind. How would a meal by a any certain cook have any effect on the boy’s malady? Certainly, the father could see that there was testosterone involved and that the young man was up to no good. David failed to pick up on whatever signals the son was sending out, and he fell right into the lad’s plot by directing the girl to bring the food.
When Amnon followed through with his sordid plan, the young girl’s life was ruined forever, but the father seemed insensitive to the whole situation. Certainly, he could not undo what had happened, but he could have done something to prove that he cared for the girl and that he disapproved of the son’s action. Instead, he seemed to ignore the problem in hopes that it would go away. However, as all humans--and especially parents--should know, problems don’t just go away by being ignored.
David, with his nation to run, failed to stop long enough to raise his own children. In doing so, he failed in two of the greatest requirements of parenting: he did not give Tamar respect, and he did not involve himself in the life of either Tamar or Amnon. It is too easy for parents to see their children as just kids and fail to realize that they are complete human beings--just like anyone else. They are no less due respect and attention than any adult, even the important people who would frequent the office of the nation’s monarch. As his children, Tamar and Amnon needed and were entitled to their father’s special mentoring and care--not just his provision and position.
The story of Tamar’s assault doesn’t end with just the half-brother who abused her; it spreads throughout the family as Tamar’s full brother Absalom determined to avenge her rape. He waited a while to cover up his motive and to conceal his plot. Finally, the proper time to execute his scheme presented itself, and the vengeful brother staged a great party as a ploy to entrap his sibling. Next, he approached his father requesting that all his brothers be directed to attend the festivities. When David declined that request on the account that it would be too expensive for Absalom to host all eighteen of his brothers, Absalom responded by insisting that Amnon be sent even if no one else could attend. Again, David revealed his lack of discernment by not realizing that something was awry when Absalom singled out as his special guest the one brother against whom he had been waging a cold war. Certainly this request was an ominous harbinger of calamity to come, yet David walked full tilt into Absalom’s snare just as he had done with Amnon’s trap.
The short version of the long story is that Absalom murdered Amnon, but the crime was left without proper closure by the dysfunctional father. David’s reaction was that he distanced himself from Absalom by banishing him from Jerusalem for three years. When he finally did allow him to return to the city, it was with the stipulation that he would not be permitted to see his father--an alienation which continued for the next two years. This isolation was a dramatic display of his desire to punish the son but at the same time a glaring demonstration of his inability to correct him. David failed to recognize the major difference between punishment and correction: the former condemns the sin, while the later reforms the sinner. David’s refusal to see or receive communication from his son was a rather flagrant statement of condemnation; whereas, a willingness to receive his son and mentor him through a rehabilitation process would have been an affirmation of his role and responsibility as a loving father.
The wounds in Absalom’s soul and spirit become glaringly evident as we follow the story as it is spun in the Scripture. One of the first clues that he has never fully healed from the scars of Tamar’s abuse is that he named his own daughter after his beloved sister--a sign that this injury is always fresh in his thoughts. His attempt to seize the throne away from his father is the most blatant sign of the turmoil and hostility raging inside his unsettled soul. One especially flamboyant act in the coup seems to herald the full message: when Absalom invaded his father’s palace, he had a pavilion erected on the roof and made a public display as he copulated with all ten of his father’s concubines. In an act of retaliation for the assault on his sister’s virginity, Absalom tried to even the score with the man who had done nothing to correct the injury to her. This blatant act of disrespect was also a headline statement to the father who had not shown him acceptance, love, respect, and guidance.
Because David failed to properly handle his sons’ criminal actions, he lost one of his sons at the blood-thirsty hands of the other and then lost his own concubines and almost lost his kingdom at his hands as well. With Amnon, David failed to punish his sin at all; with Absalom, he failed to correct rather than punish; and with both sons and the daughter, he failed to heal the injuries resulting from the wrongs inflicted and the correction imposed.
In the chaotic moment after Absalom was executed, David wailed and clamored dramatically that he would have rather died than to see his son killed. How tragic it is to see this sudden revelation of the soul of the king. Buried inside the heart of this seemingly utter failure of a father was a deep-seated love for his son. The ironic thought is that even though he would have been willing to have died for him, he had never demonstrated a willingness or ability to live for him!
Dr. Lester Sumrall used to say that success is not a success until it produces a successor. If this is the case, we see again that David was a failure as a father. Although there seems to have been a private understanding between the king and Bathsheba that their son Solomon was to succeed him on the throne of Israel, no acknowledgment of this arrangement was ever established as part of public record. This failure to establish a formal last will and testament resulted in the demise of another of his sons. When David was old and in rapidly deteriorating health, his son Adonijah staged an attempt to take the kingdom by having himself named to the throne. When this news reached the king, he gave the directive from his death bed that Solomon was to be proclaimed as the next king. He later followed up with a public coronation of the chosen son. The scripture records that David stood up on his feet at the ceremony, suggesting that it was an almost heroic act considering his frailty. In those last few hours of his life and with the last ounces of strength he could muster from his diseased and worn-out body, David conveyed his vision and the responsibility of the position as king to his son. He then challenged and commissioned Solomon to fulfill them. Certainly, this was a noble conclusion to his long and extensive political career; on the other hand, it was a pitiful comment on his career as a father. He had waited until the last minute of life to impart himself into the life of the son whom he should have been mentoring every day of his life.
Two points from the life of Solomon seem to indicate the impact that this last-minute father-son quality time had upon him. The first is positive--although it seems to be a counteractive attempt to the lack of mentoring during his formative years. Solomon not only personally instructed his son, but also authored the book of Proverbs which records the instructions he gave him concerning practical daily living. It also contains chapters of wise counsel concerning the role he was expected to fulfill as king and gives instructions concerning the responsibilities associated with the position. Apparently, the short lessons David gave him in his dying moments awakened Solomon to what he had missed during his developmental years and inspired him to a lifetime of instruction for his own son. The second result in Solomon’s life was very negative: his turning to idols. David, it is said, was a man after God’s own heart--but this heart attitude was something he could not pass on to Solomon in one short session together. Although David was able to communicate some instructions to his son in those last fateful minutes together, he was not able to impart his heart to him. That’s something that takes a lifetime of living together, not just a few minutes of classroom time together.
Adonijah, even though he was deprived of the throne, still had an ambitious design to gain some bid at the crown. By asking permission to marry the Shuninite woman who had cared for David in his old age, he felt that he might gain some leverage to displace Solomon--a scheme which ended in his execution. Because his father had failed to give this son direction and guidance, his life was doomed to failure. This tragic demise could have been averted if David had properly parented his sons and taught them throughout their lives how to share and to work together rather than against one another. The whole scenario could have been short-circuited if the father had instilled into his sons his personal vision and will for their personal lives and their places in the kingdom he had built.
It has been said that the beauty of the Bible is that it presents its heroes with their warts and all. In the story of David, we are certainly able to see, as Dr. Lester Sumrall loved to say, that even great men have clay feet. This great champion failed as a parent in many ways: discerning the needs of his children, involving himself in their lives, giving them proper respect, administering correction and healing rather than simply punishing, providing guidance and direction, establishing a successor, imparting his very heart to them, and--in general--being there for them. The baby he fathered with Bathsheba was unconnected; Tamar was unprotected; Amnon
and Absalon were uncorrected; Adonijah and Solomon were undirected.
Christian parents must also be truly godly parents. Our children’s futures, destinies, and very lives depend upon it. On the other side of the coin--it is not only the children’s future which is in the hands of the parent; the parents’ destinies are also vested in their children. The blessing which God placed upon Abraham was directly related to the fact that God knew that the patriarch would train his children after his godly ways. (Genesis 18:18-19) In Psalm 127:3-5, David penned, “Lo, children are an heritage of the LORD: and the fruit of the womb is his reward. As arrows are in the hand of a mighty man; so are children of the youth. Happy is the man that hath his quiver full of them: they shall not be ashamed, but they shall speak with the enemies in the gate.”
My children are my future to direct. God has given me His Word as a sword for my present, hand-to-hand conflicts (Ephesians 6:17); but for future, long-range combat, He has also given me my children as arrows. However, arrows must be aimed if they are secure victory; therefore, it is my responsibility to carefully train them for their godly destinies. In II Kings 13:14-19, we read an interesting story which teaches an important principle concerning the direction of the arrows God has placed in our quivers. The prophet Elisha called King Joash to his bedside just before he passed out of this earthly life. “Take bow and arrows,” the old prophet commanded, putting his hand on top the king's hand as he aimed the arrows. Next, he directed the king to shoot the arrows out the open window, proclaiming, “The arrow of the LORD's deliverance.” Then he directed the king to take the arrows and strike the ground. When the king stuck the ground three times, the prophet rebuked him, reprimanding him for not striking five or six times to symbolize total destruction of his enemy. Similarly, godly parents are required to direct their children as arrows toward the target and then do everything in their power to propel and empower them toward their goals in life. The king’s final visit with his mentor the prophet proved to be bittersweet. Victory was ensured, but there was no guarantee for total peace. We must realize that our children can be a reservoir of joy or a source of sorrow (Proverbs 23:24, 17:25), and we must never stop short of “striking the ground” with them, anticipating the very best.
God is looking for a new generation of men who realize the significance of being fathers in this fatherless generation. There are three steps we can follow:
First, we can become true fathers to those children whom the Lord has given us. A simple acrostic can help us remember all the bases which we must cover:
Faith--Train them to know and honor God.
Artisan--Train them in your trades and life skills.
Time--Give them quality and quantity time.
Health--Train them how to develop and maintain their bodies.
Economics--Train them how to manage and invest their money.
Relationships--Train them how to have healthy relationships with the opposite sex, superiors, peers, and subordinates.
Next, we can widen our circle of influence by becoming mentors to those who have no good father figures in their lives. Just because a child is growing up in a home where a father is present does not necessarily mean that the child is getting a true fatherly role model to follow. The biblical case in point would be King David who was a model in every area of life except in this most important of all roles. One modern example can be seen in the life of Robert Kiyosaki whose father was a university professor--a position which would seem to have qualified him as an excellent role model. Unfortunately, there was one major flaw--he was handicapped by a poverty mentality. Fortunately the young boy found another gentleman who was willing to teach him in the financial area--resulting in Robert’s becoming a multi-millionaire and the author of the revolutionary Rich Dad, Poor Dad which makes as powerful a statement about mentoring as it does about finances. One thing to remember when considering mentoring the fatherless is that it is not only the young boys who need this role model input into their lives. The lack of a father’s input does not magically disappear simply because a youngster reaches puberty; it is just as real in the lives of college students and even adults who have never had that proper father’s love. In Genesis 45:8, we learn that Joseph became a father to Pharaoh, who was likely his senior. Probably not unlike King David’s house, Pharaoh’s natural father was too busy running an empire to properly impact the life of his son. When Joseph came to power, he recognized the lack in the ruler’s life and set out to fill the void regardless of his age or position he held. The Bible directs us forty-three times to care for the fatherless with no qualifications concerning age or social status.
Last--but as the old expression goes--not least, we must pray for restoration of fathers as prophesied in the closing passages of the Old Testament. A little story tells of a young boy who was going down the beach one morning after a storm at sea had tossed thousands of starfish onto the sand. The lad’s self-appointed mission was to throw the stranded sea creatures back into the water before the sun can up and dried them out. When an older gentleman came upon the boy and admonished him that his efforts were pointless since there were too many starfish on the shore. His evaluation was that the boy could never make a difference, but the lad looked back at the man as he tossed one more starfish into the ocean and replied, “I can make a difference to this one.” In steps one and two, we are like the little boy tossing individual starfish back into the sea. However, in step three, we can help effect a change that that will rescue a whole generation at a time. It will be like calling for a huge wave to suddenly wash across the beach and reclaim the starfish. Let’s pray and believe for a tsunami of God’s love to flood the hearts of the fathers and children of our generation.
And he shall turn the heart of the fathers to the children, and the heart of the children to their fathers, lest I come and smite the earth with a curse. (Malachi 4:6)